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A non-Monday update -- bumpy transitions
Sep. 15th, 2019 12:00 pmI have visited DW the last few Mondays, but haven't felt as if I had anything to say. I've been a little low, and getting lower, for the last couple weeks. It finally coalesced into something I could get a grip on yesterday.
I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my working life. I have a history of stumbling upon work situations that are very meaningful, very intense, with very little financial benefit. Situations that take a couple years to recover from. I don't want to do that again. I've also had several jobs that were steady and dull, with zero flexibility and moderate financial benefit. I don't really want to do that again, at least not right now. I want flexibility for at least another couple years, until Sarah's driving and the house projects are all under control. The axes of meaning, flexibility, intensity/stress, and income, and the tradeoffs between them... It feels impossible to discern what I want or need right now.
I'm also deeply, deeply lonely. For years I've had my weeks and months designed in such a way that I see people on a regular basis, just by going about my life. I don't mean making plans with friends, although I do want to do more of that, and I'll start taking action on that next week. I mean two hours chatting with good friends while our kids are at DIY, and four hours chatting with friendly acquaintances while our kids are hanging out after the Friday readings, and a couple hours catching up with whomever shows up for tea at the library that week, and seeing people at the monthly RPG, and at the other monthly activities...
And now they're all done. Because the kids are in college, or chose other activities, or because things imploded for interpersonal reasons.
I've been so exhausted with all the start of the school year busy-ness and the changes to my own sleep schedule that it's taken me this long to really notice the fact that I can now easily go a month at a time without spending time with anyone outside my household. And again, I know I can make plans with friends, but my baseline for weeks when I don't have time or energy to make plans went from 3 days of human contact to none. No wonder I've been out of sorts.
I'm not looking for advice here, just getting it down in one place, in some sort of coherent narrative, aiming to find my own clarity.
Maybe I need to stop grasping after my old routines and old community, and relax into the possibilities of new routines and new communities. Maybe once the semester settles in place I can reach out to old friends who might also be missing our old rhythms and work on figuring out new rhythms together. Maybe this level of intense discomfort with my current situation is necessary to kick my ass into gear, to start doing new things. I don't know, man. Why does growth have to be so uncomfortable?
I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my working life. I have a history of stumbling upon work situations that are very meaningful, very intense, with very little financial benefit. Situations that take a couple years to recover from. I don't want to do that again. I've also had several jobs that were steady and dull, with zero flexibility and moderate financial benefit. I don't really want to do that again, at least not right now. I want flexibility for at least another couple years, until Sarah's driving and the house projects are all under control. The axes of meaning, flexibility, intensity/stress, and income, and the tradeoffs between them... It feels impossible to discern what I want or need right now.
I'm also deeply, deeply lonely. For years I've had my weeks and months designed in such a way that I see people on a regular basis, just by going about my life. I don't mean making plans with friends, although I do want to do more of that, and I'll start taking action on that next week. I mean two hours chatting with good friends while our kids are at DIY, and four hours chatting with friendly acquaintances while our kids are hanging out after the Friday readings, and a couple hours catching up with whomever shows up for tea at the library that week, and seeing people at the monthly RPG, and at the other monthly activities...
And now they're all done. Because the kids are in college, or chose other activities, or because things imploded for interpersonal reasons.
I've been so exhausted with all the start of the school year busy-ness and the changes to my own sleep schedule that it's taken me this long to really notice the fact that I can now easily go a month at a time without spending time with anyone outside my household. And again, I know I can make plans with friends, but my baseline for weeks when I don't have time or energy to make plans went from 3 days of human contact to none. No wonder I've been out of sorts.
I'm not looking for advice here, just getting it down in one place, in some sort of coherent narrative, aiming to find my own clarity.
Maybe I need to stop grasping after my old routines and old community, and relax into the possibilities of new routines and new communities. Maybe once the semester settles in place I can reach out to old friends who might also be missing our old rhythms and work on figuring out new rhythms together. Maybe this level of intense discomfort with my current situation is necessary to kick my ass into gear, to start doing new things. I don't know, man. Why does growth have to be so uncomfortable?
