May. 23rd, 2017

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So, I guess this is the time in my life where I explore what it's like to rest. I think I'm good at taking breaks -- reading, crafting, meditating, going for walks, dancing -- but I'm not great at resting all the way. At putting everything to the side, forgetting my projects and the household management for indefinite amounts of time, and just resting. I would like to say I'm embracing it, but. Well. I'm bored and restless, and resisting a lot of it. But I'm determined to see it through, not to take any shortcuts. As tempting as they might be.

Things are improving slowly but steadily. I'm well enough to pick up my banjo, and to do a little gentle movement (nothing that looks like exercise, but some meditative dance). I've also been well enough to focus on reading, and so I'm going through all the books I read this year and never added to my list or put on my Goodreads account and finally getting up reviews of them. I haven't been able to enjoy much TV watching -- you'd think I would, but it's hard to find stuff that strikes the right chord.

I'm still having to ask for a lot of help -- picking things up, carrying things, making food, and so on. Asking is hard. I think we're all doing a good job of communicating, of taking care of ourselves and each other, but Jeez this is challenging. I asked a lot of friends for help last week, and they all came through for me, which I'm grateful for. The more recovered I get, the harder it is to ask, though.

My experience, these last couple weeks, has made it clear to me that I haven't been relaxed since the summer, and before that I hadn't been relaxed since before we started the process of starting the school, back in 2012. I want to end on some sort of pithy philosophical note, but I've got no pith at the moment. Just pure data: Look, here I am. Here's what's been going on. Now what?


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